Inside the Center

Having a rational attributes, human has the power to picture the possible consequences of his actions and probable result of his decisions. In the same way, he has also the capability to hear and follow his core.

In our journey, however, there are tricky points in our lives that we could hardly follow our Center simply because it is not in accord to what other people want us to be. At times, It's too ironic that the reflections of our thoughts are not in the conformity of what's inside our heart. Life as what they say is simple but the environment itself makes it complicated because of its norms. And because of that measure, we limit ourselves and wave our decisions especially if we're not too confident with its potential result. That instance leads us toward internal self struggle. A battle that brings pressure to what we should consider.

                                                                                                            -Jei Son
                                                                                                                        *unedited

True Story: Jhun's DOODLE

 

Last weekend as I sat on a three-day seminar in our church, I had one of those life-changing experiences that you hear other people talk about — the kind of experience that sneaks you up  unexpectedly. This was the moment my eyes nailed to one of the male delegates in our row.

  

He is Jhune. I learned it through the ID pinned in his shirt. He had nothing special though. He wore ordinary clothes, got dark color and had his obvious straggly hair but what really caught my attention to this person was his Doodle. An adult doodling inside the church?  It's aberrant.

While I was staring at him I noticed that his hand suddenly stopped from stroking. I was caught starring to a stranger.

"Hi" I smiled as my immediate excuse to my rudeness. 

"I heard na Ilokano ka, taga san ka pala?" I asked which I thought a great topic to start a conversation but he just nodded, bowed his head and resumed his doodle. Maybe he's not interested for a talk  I thought

"Taga Cagayan Valley ako" a voice sounded out besides me after a couple seconds. It was him.

"Talaga, taga Isabela ako" I smiled "kailan ka pa umalis doon?" I added but he offered no immediate response for the second time. I was displeased with the situation, loss of face. And to manage my guilt I simply diverted my attention to my notes and swore not to talk to him again but my plans repeled when he reponded.

"Lumayas ako when I was 17. The night pagkatapos akong buhusan ng kumukulong tubig ng tatay ko" that soft husky voice striked deep within my soul. I looked at him and felt sorry about what I heard.

"Oh sorry, pero un na un diba, wala ng iba." I said trying to convice myself

After saying those words, he looked at me and smiled maybe because of my silly reaction. I could hardly put in words in what I saw. He smiled yet there was a perceptable somber in his eyes.

"Pina ampon ako when I was 7, pero bumalik ako sa kanila para maramdaman ko kung saan ako nang galing pero worst binubog lang ako, sinaktan. During my birthday when I was Grade 6 tinulak ako sa ilog ng tatay ko.... But in God's grace buti nalang marunong na akong lumangoy that time" he grinned narrating his victory.

"Minsan nga" he added "sabi ng nanay ko sana namatay nalang daw ako noon. kaya tinanong ko sila kung ampon lang ba ako pero imposible kasi may kakambal ako, and I keep asking myself at times  "bakit ako ang pinag bubuntungan ng galit nila kahit kasalanan ng iba?... parang sumpa ung tingin nila sa akin" he seriously said.

Letter for my DAD

Dear Pa,

Many people keep on saying that every time they look at my face, I am your duplicate of my generation. -"Ang gwapo mo pala nung binata ka, san kaba nag mana?"  hehehe. However, I still consider it as ironic because even though we share almost the same face in different time, we know that we've got only chunk of similarities because of our differences. Coffee is the least example- you love black, I like white.

Pa, I know when I was a kid you were expecting too much from me and there is a life that you want me to live with in my future but gone were the days and I chose to follow my dream and not the person you want me to become, my apologies I am such a prodigal son. But in lieu with your expectation, I am doing my best in my chosen career and I am happy with it.

Seven days from now your age value will again increase hehe and it seems like yesterday when you were teaching us taekwondo together with my cousins. The time you let me run on the field to check if the kite we did was working right, such wonderful summer days. But I also remember those days we were being forced to do some errands which we actually didn't like, times you shouted us every time we mess up, but I still thank you because all of those things and your being disciplinarian have big impact to what kind of person I am now.

God has been very kind to us and I bow my head to Him for the second life He gave to you. I remember the day you were being sent in the hospital because of motor accident, I don't know what to do that time, the doctor says if you did not arrive an hour earlier your condition could be worse and I am very lucky that your lasingerong friends still help you. Pa, maybe you don't know this but during the time I was looking at you sleeping in the hospital- still unconscious from the accident, I laid my finger on your palm and you held it tight. There was a connection between us, tears flowed in my eyes and I said my prayers. That time, I realized that even we have unsymmetrical likes, you have authoritative personality and strong principles, I am still your son and you're my father. I love you.

I live independently now, I generate my own money and I make my own decisions but I want you to know that I still live with your wisdom, the lesson of being a responsible person and not being a liability to someone. I will keep those piled lessons Pa, though quite sometimes, I need also to break some rules for a reason of satisfaction (bad) but don't you worry I am not worst. hehehe

Now that you've totally recovered, I still wish you to have a good health and happy life. Happy Birthday.

P.s.
Please keep loving Mama like your youngest years together.


YOur Son na Pasaway,
Jei_Son

Forget the ALPHA

Could it be possible to forget your past?
Maybe, maybe not.


Sand prints the history of footsteps, so as life. Our decisions and actions in the past leave marks to the people around us however unlike the footprints on the sand- it vanishes. The wind and even the waves from the ocean help to cease the markings of the steps.

I talked to my friend over the phone yesterday and the core of our conversation was all about me and my past. I told her about the admiration I feel toward a girl I met in Greenhills- her being gorgeous and simple made her more beautiful. When I first saw her, I said to my self "I like her" which there's nothing wrong about it. We are both single.

That same night,  I got her  phone number but instead of texting her, I just kept it and I am hesitant to make a move because of one thing -my past. What if, she will totally become my girlfriend and she learned something about me? will I endure it seeing her crying because of that? and if I tell her everything about myself, am I ready to take a rejection? or maybe I am just putting clouds of doubt in her mind.

I know, no matter how hard I revert the things I did, I won't change it anymore. My friend over the phone told me to forget the alpha and be someone new but many "what ifs" are still running in my mind.

I just  hope that one day,  the wind will perfectly forget my flaws in the past and a wave of changes will definitely cover them all.